


The Hidden Side of Me That Only You Can See

by MysticAssassin



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Alternate Universe, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Yullen, kanda likes to look at allen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-21
Updated: 2018-08-21
Packaged: 2019-06-30 14:22:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15753489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MysticAssassin/pseuds/MysticAssassin
Summary: Allen Walker was one of the most popular kids at school. If not the most popular. People felt at ease around him. And in all honesty- how could they not?Yuu Kanda preferred to go by his last name Kanda. Only a very very select few got the privilege of calling him by his first. He'd rather stay on his own. But it was in that solitude that he found the time to see things that others didn’t.Like the look on Allen Walker’s face when the boy thought no one was looking. Kanda saw it all the time. And he hated it.And he liked it….





	The Hidden Side of Me That Only You Can See

 

    Allen Walker was one of the most popular kids at school. If not  _the_ most popular. People felt at ease around him. And in all honesty- how could they not? He always had a pleasant smile to share no matter the occasion. His words were always gentle and sweet. His mannerisms- considerate. He was easy to get along with and had many friends and acquaintances. He was always nice to people even if they didn’t share one of those titles. His friends would tease him, telling him about all the girls that liked him without his notice. The guys couldn’t bring themselves to dislike him despite the attention he got. His oddities of greyed hair and always wearing gloves didn’t make him any less interesting. If anything, they gave him a mask of mystery that drew people out of curiosity. He was the absolute opposite of another by the name of Kanda.

Yuu Kanda preferred to go by his last name  _Kanda._ Only a very very select few got the privilege of calling him by his first. For the most part, the privilege was dubious at best. Kanda’s best features were his looks- as far as others were concerned. He was gorgeous with long, sleek, hair as dark as the midnight sky. Shining blue when caught in artificial light. He was all long limbs, and slender but toned and muscled frame. People knew because catching him after a kendo match was a sight to see. He was strong, and powerful, and beautiful. And by all means, he should be popular. But he wasn’t. Because Kanda preferred to keep to himself. He would brush off any attempt at closeness with glaring looks and harsh words. He didn’t need anyone. He’d rather stay on his own. But it was in that solitude that he found the time to see things that others didn’t.

Like the look on Allen Walker’s face when the boy thought no one was looking. Kanda saw it all the time. And he hated it.

And he liked it….

**________________**

Kanda sat in the Fifth form classrooms during break time. A book on the desk before him, but he couldn’t see the words within its pages. It lay cover faced up, forgotten as the scenery outside the class windows held the teen’s gaze instead. Fourth and Fifth form shared the same block but the prior classes were downstairs and the latter, upstairs. Third form classrooms sat in the middle of the school compound. An easy point of view from the upstairs vantage point.

It was even easier to spot the head of grey amongst all the other fairly normal shades of black and brown and red. Allen was a beacon of light set upon a hill to lead the fleet of ships to safety. But only Kanda seemed to see that the light was broken. Allen’s friends crowded him from familiarity, but Kanda was lost- he didn’t know the boy the way others thought they did. He couldn’t be led astray with false smiles when there was no light behind the stormy grey eyes.

There was a break in the conversation, a redhead that always stuck to Allen’s side even though he was in Kanda’s class, now entertaining the circle around them. Whilst everyone laughed, some playfully punching the redhead in the shoulder, Allen’s smile wavered. In the moments of distraction, as all eyes were no longer on him Kanda could see him for what he was. His smile became as dim as his eyes.

A frown marred Kanda’s face at the sight, but he couldn’t look away. And soon, those somber gray orbs looked up toward the classroom that he was in. He thought their eyes had met and took a sharp intake of breath, but Allen’s line of sight didn’t stop, as if he had only been scanning the scenery around him.

Soon his focus was back upon his group of friends- his smile plastered back into place. Kanda actually didn’t know how no one else noticed. He thought it was the most obvious thing. How could people be so fooled by such a fake smile. Such a fake act. Did they actually notice and choose not to comment because they didn’t want the hassle of asking  _why_ he did it, or  _how_ could they help? So instead they took the lies because it was easier? Uncomplicated?

Kanda clucked his tongue to the roof of his mouth, and put his hand on the book that lay abandoned on his desk, ready to turn away and continue about his business. But he could not. Because as he looked at the grey haired youth, he couldn’t help but think why the boy did it, and what would have to happen to make it change.

  **________________**

    Prefect meetings happened like clockwork. Every other Monday in the old library room off of the Third form block after morning assembly. It was the most central point and easily accessible to the third to fifth year prefects.

People thought it was weird that Kanda was a prefect. It could be annoying but he didn’t think it surprising. He got good grades, even excelled in things like physical education and social sciences. He kept to himself, so he never really got into any trouble. Him telling people off was always a private matter, so the teachers were none the wiser. And there were undoubtedly perks to being a prefect. So when he was nominated and then selected, he didn’t think to refuse. Missing morning homeroom was one of them. Sometimes it was easy to get out of uniform checks. Or getting privilege to use certain rooms.

He stepped into the old library five minutes before time, which meant people still trickled in from time to time and few people were already there.  _He_ was there. Sitting in a far corner near the window. The sun’s rays filtering through to catch the fine grey locs, making them glimmer in the warm light. It was still early so those who came in early lounged around, or lay their heads on tables, not having the energy to do much. His features were peaceful, as if the false sense of seclusion was complete bliss. He didn’t wear the solemn gaze, but he didn’t wear the counterfeit smile either.

There were a lot more perks than Kanda would admit even to himself.

**________________**

    When the meeting adjourned, students tried to mad scramble out of the library. It wasn’t classes, but it was still captivity. Allen didn’t try to rush, instead his feet dragged as if he were not ready to face the outside world. His gaze to the ground, and Kanda stared unabashedly. The redhead from his class was one of the few left, he got up from his seat and swung an arm around Allen’s shoulder. The spell broke as the boy’s gaze lifted, dull as a rusted butter knife coated in silver. But his smile shone brightly in all its lies. A laugh escaping because it could.

The teacher swung around calling for the students to wait. They needed help taking some papers from the staff to the old library turned meeting room-slash-store room. Upon hearing the request, more students made an earnest effort in quickening their steps for a hasty retreat.

The redhead was all boyish smile, and mischievous twinkle in his eye as he announced having student council meetings. The teacher frowned but didn’t relent. But Allen spoke up. There was an earnest innocence that Kanda had not seen before. And he couldn’t draw his eyes away.

The teacher looked to Allen akin to a disciple admiring their saviour. But they were adamant for at least one other person because there were too many papers for Allen to move alone, even though he insisted it would be fine on his own. Request went unnoticed as the teacher still sort help. Some students now looked considerate now that Allen had volunteered. Kanda saw that that made Allen bothered. Bothered over needing others to help, or having others help, he didn’t know but-

He found himself volunteering. The teacher looked ecstatic, even giving into Kanda’s request of longer hours for use of the club room. Allen looked surprised as well. But there were so many emotions swirling in those grey eyes. Like confusion, and sadness, and unease, and, Kanda looked away before he could identify them all.

**________________**

    It wasn’t until the end of the school day where Kanda showed up to the staff room. Allen’s redheaded friend, Kanda’s redheaded annoyance, had reminded him. Urging him to be nice to Allen whilst they worked together to transport documents to the old library. Kanda had only glared and clucked his tongue, a harsh frown lowering the corners of his lips.

He didn’t need to be reminded. He agreed to do something and so he would do it. Kanda was nothing if not a man bound by time and duty.

He was the first to the staff room. And stood in front of the teacher’s desk waiting for them to show. He'd have taken the documents if he knew where they were. But he didn't have to wait long as the teacher came over to call him over from their position at an adjoining door. When Kanda got to the room, he quickly found that Allen had been there as well, dressed down in his gym clothes. Perhaps he had also wanted to handle the documents on his own.

The teacher left them with words of thanks and soon they stood in the side room with nothing but each other's company.

**________________**

     Kanda didn't need fingers to count the amount of times he had been alone in a room with Allen. Because the number had been a non surprising ‘zero.’ He tried to ignore the boy the best he could, proving somewhat difficult since he stood unmoving next to the items that needed to be moved. But Kanda was undeterred and bent to grab a stack.

“Yuu.”

“Don’t call me that.” The reply was reflexive as he straightened up and allowed his gaze to fall directly onto the other’s.

“Ah, sorry. It’s just that Lavi always calls you that. So I thought….At first, I thought he was just being rude-” Kanda tuned the rambling out. He couldn’t take much more of it having to stare at the boy’s face. He was so used to seeing that look directed at others, but now, here he was on the receiving end of that abysmal smile. Did the boy think he was so easily lied to?

“Stop it.” His words came out harsher than he had meant them to. And Allen's eyes widened in surprise. Uncertainty swam in the depths of his eyes.

“It's just- I thought that was your name. I don't know what else to call you.”

Yuu Kanda did not make it his mission to be known in school. But many people knew of him. He was the kendo champion, not just regionally. He also ranked nationally. Girls even lamented at a distance about how his good looks went to waste, while the more daring liked him even still. He'd known of a few boys as well, due to his redheaded classmate’s unnecessary musings, that had been taken with him.

He did not care to be popular. But he was known, if by nothing else, for his skill. And with that came his name.  _Kanda._ Because he didn't like people calling him  _Yuu._ But here was Allen, the subject of his constant observation. And he didn't even know his whole name.

Kanda clucked his tongue as he gave his answer, resigning himself to working in silence. But Allen was not finished and Kanda didn't know why. He was not one of the boy’s friends that constantly needed to be soothed with banal chatter and placated with generic smiles.

“I'm Allen.”

“I know who you are.” The words had slipped. And Allen's features wavered into something that might have actually been real and genuine. But he was so used to acting with everyone he met, having them wrapped around his white gloved finger, that the smile must be automatic.

And there it was. “It's just that, we've never really talked before.” Kanda was disgusted by the ease of which something so fake could slip into place. But he couldn't help but be fascinated as well. “I suppose it's a pleasure to meet you.” And the laughter sounded like bits of metal scraping against fine china meant only for display, but taken out to showcase. Keeping others at a distance with pretentiousness instead of inviting with warmth of using everyday household dishes.

“I said stop it,  _moyashi_. I’m not one of your dumb friends. I don’t need your shitty smiles.”

Allen stared back at him a bit dumbly. Perhaps he had said too much. But it was for the best.   

“Isn’t it because of that attitude that you’re always alone?” Allen uttered in a low voice. There was fire in his tone. A simmering heat in his eyes.

“I’d rather be alone than put on some disgusting smile to be liked.”

Allen’s lips had parted to retort, but snapped shut. And Kanda finally got the silence he had wanted as Allen picked up his own stack of papers. They resigned themselves to the quiet, no more words passing between them. Kanda was sure he had said too much. But he didn’t want Allen as a friend. So maybe it was better to keep him at a distance.

**________________**

     He had really said too much. Whenever their paths crossed and their eyes met, Allen’s gaze was fiery with determination as he pointedly looked away. Kanda’s redheaded classmate liked to call things akin to that-  _cute._ It always reminded Kanda that he had messed up.

When the day had ended it was to the fanfare of students discussing plans on where to eat. The redhead had skipped and sauntered in with the name  _Yuu_ rolling off his tongue like if it was his own. Kanda found that he didn’t have the energy to hit the teen, so he settled on glares and frowns instead. But when the redhead slung an arm around his shoulders, he was quick to shrug it off. And when he was invited to join his classmate to eat out, Kanda gave him decidingly inedible variants to what he could eat instead. And where he could shove the leftovers.   

Soon enough the other teen’s attentions were drawn away from Kanda and to the classroom door. Kanda didn't have to look to know who it was after hearing the voice. And he shouldn't have needed to look up to verify it either, but he did. His eyes met with those stormy grey orbs that peered right into his so intently. He hadn't expected it and for once he was the one to look away.

Though his attentions were elsewhere, he could still hear all the words that passed between the redhead and Allen. As the redhead singsonged about what to eat and Allen laughed that metallic tinny laugh.

“Sorry Lavi. I can't hang out with you today.” And there was whining on the redhead's part. And more cued laughter on Allen's. But the laughter soon stopped and Kanda heard footsteps approaching his desk. He thought his classmate settled for trying to get him to go out for eating again. But the “I'm going home with Kanda today,” proved him wrong.

Kanda looked up, eyes wide. He heard the confused stuttering of some of his classmates wondering when they had gotten close. Even though Allen was extremely popular, he was always the one being invited out. He hadn't asked anyone out yet, until now….

**________________**

It felt a lot like it did in the room adjoining the staff room. Terse silence with nothing left to be said. Kanda had said all he’d had to when he called Allen a liar. Allen had seemed content with ignoring his existence shortly after. But Kanda was wrong because here they were, several days later, of walking home together.

Kanda got to see new sides of the boy then. Saw conflict rage in the storm of his eyes. Saw his gloved fingers wringing in unease. But it was always quiet. And there were no more fake smiles in Kanda's presence. And maybe that was enough for him. It should be, but….

“What are you doing,  _moyashi?”_

_“_ It's Allen.” The boy spoke with no vehemence. Just stating the obvious. Correcting something he thought, perhaps, Kanda was truly unclear about.

“Why do you keep inviting yourself with me?” Kanda's words were blunt. There was no mistaking that Allen was imposing on his time. And that finally made the boy stop in his tracks. Allen scanned the vicinity, and when he finally found what he wanted, he spoke up urging them to sit and rest on a park bench. It was an easy enough request so Kanda complied.

**_______________**

     Allen acted a lot more nervous than Kanda thought reassuring. Like he would spill secrets that no one else had ever heard. Like they were the best of friends, which would be absurd because they weren't even normal friends. But Allen was wonderfully complicated and sometimes did things that surprised Kanda. Like telling his secrets he had never told anyone.

“I'm sorry about always dragging you away after school, Kanda. I'm sure you don't want to spend time with me.” Kanda wasn't sure-  _if_ he were being honest. “It's just, you're the only one that noticed.” And Kanda looked at him out the corner of his eye because he was letting him know that he was heard. And he relished in the fact that he could see the boy up so close. His eyelashes were long and thick, curling up and making his already large eyes larger and more expressive.

Kanda really had to wonder how others didn't see, or chose to ignore the hidden emotions swirling in the grey depths. Because Kanda saw the sorrow more clearly the closer he sat. And when those beautiful eyes turned to look up at him he saw so much pain that shouldn't exist in one so young.

“You're a bad actor.” Was all Kanda said. He heard Allen's laughter, it was dry and humourless, and empty- and possibly the most real one he had let trickle from his lips in front of others in who-knew-how-long.

“Maybe you're just really good at being observant.” Kanda didn't know why but he didn't think it was a safe topic to be on. To discuss what he saw and how he saw Allen. Or possibly why he looked so much. So he changed it.

“Why the hell do you act so fake all the time? You call those people friends yet lie to them every day.” Kanda didn't intend to sound so harsh. But the truth was a hurtful one. Allen didn't seem to take offence. And Kanda decided that the boy was also strong and resilient as his words clearly set something off within the younger teen. Allen looked away, down at his glove covered hands. And Kanda selfishly wondered if he would ever get to see what lay beneath.

“It's the only way I can be close to him.” It only took that sentence to open up a flood gate of truths and secrets Allen had hidden deep within himself. The pain of lost of a loved one. A man Allen had admired. A father figure gone too soon. “He was always so patient and gentle.” Just the way Allen seemed to be around those he met. But Kanda could only guess that the man being spoken about was more honest in his emotions.

“I couldn't help but try to be just like him. It made me feel close to him. As close as I could ever get now that he's gone. But it also hurt remembering what he was like, knowing that I could never see him again.”

Kanda watched Allen try to hide his pain beneath ashen grey bangs. Twiddling white clad fingers. And Kanda wanted to know more. Allen gasped at the sudden curiosity about his hand as if something purely physical as a surface scar was more intimate and painful than the internal ones the boy carried around daily on his heart- that only glimmered secretly in his eyes. The hesitance was deafening like he expected Kanda to run on sight. But how could Kanda look away now after he'd looked at the boy for so long.

And tears brimmed when Allen worked enough courage to show him what lay underneath the gloves. And Allen's face flushed sweetly when he stayed. “You should just be yourself.”

Kanda's words were borne of the inability to properly comfort. He instead chose to be blunt. But Allen smiled regardless. A wide, sweet smile that crinkled the corners of his expressive grey eyes. Tinted in remnants of sadness, and gratitude. And it was beautiful.

**_______________**

     “Kanda. Can we be friends?” It was the sweetly awkward and determined greeting that Allen had given him the next time they were alone. Like words he had let slipped by when the timing had been right.

Kanda had almost felt bad for saying 'no' outright, creating a look of confusion in the boy's eyes. But Kanda couldn't be a hypocrite. He had spent so much time lamenting on the way Allen lied through his smiles and laughter. How could he now lie by accepting words of friendship?

“Why not? I thought we got along so well.” Kanda had recently found out that the one thing Allen could not lie through were his actions. He had acted gentlemanly because of his honesty in wanting to be close to a guardian long gone. Now he wanted Kanda's friendship because Kanda was understanding and nonjudgemental and honest, maybe. But friendship would be the biggest lie Kanda would live if he accepted.

“I don't want to be your friend,  _moyashi._ ”

“Can you give me a reason why?”

“I can't be your friend.” Kanda watched as Allen's lips lowered into dissatisfaction. He let his real emotions play so easily in front of Kanda. Unguarded.

“That's not-” But Kanda did not let him finish as he stepped closer. Allen stood his ground possibly thinking if he could withstand the intimidation Kanda would yield to his earlier request. It was silly, and Kanda took another step forward taking place, defiantly, in Allen's personal space. It was shortly after that that Allen lost some of his zeal and allowed himself the relief of a step back.

Kanda's smirk was smug, as if he had proven a point that Allen would now see. But he didn't. And Kanda was left to be more straightforward than he wanted. Though, he had decided it was for the best.

“I don't want your friendship,  _moyashi._ I've never wanted to be your  _friend._ Use that damn head of yours. Why the hell would I waste time looking at you or want to know why you give shitty smiles and words every second of every day.” Allen's eyes narrowed in concentration, hanging on to everything Kanda had said. Something told Kanda that the boy had still not pieced it together. And he cursed at having to spell it out. “I don't want to be like your dumb friends who can't even see what you're hiding. And I wouldn't let you lie to me, because-”

There was no turning back. There really was no hope of friendship, not after Kanda ruined every chance that came his way. So he would tell Allen. And maybe Allen would stop trying, and then Kanda could go back to how things were. “Because I love-”

He trailed off and watched as Allen's eyes widened in realisation. Grey eyes that glistened and steadily leaked of tears. That was the moment Kanda had thought he had screwed up. But Allen soon reclaimed the closeness he had given up, and wrapped his arms around Kanda's taller frame.

It left Kanda speechless.

“Thank you, Kanda. Thank you for accepting me through everything.” And those eyes looked up at him, filled with so much adoration. When more time than acceptable passed with Allen still pressed against him, looking at him with a small happy smile on his lips, how was Kanda supposed to stand by his resolve?

He pulled Allen even closer to him, seeing only a small trace of confusion flicker in the boy's eyes before Kanda dipped his head low to claim Allen's lips. Soft yet slightly chapped from possibly biting on them in his secret moments of sorrow. Kanda couldn't help leaving his own bite to hopefully replace the others for something else.

He pulled back and saw Allen's lips part, bottom lip covered in Kanda. The boy's pale cheeks assaulted by the blood beneath his skin making him flush red. Eyes wide and slightly dazed.

Kanda couldn't bring himself to utter the words,  _‘You didn't like it?’_ He settled with his earlier sentiments of, “That's why I won't be your  _friend_.”

Allen shook his head but he didn't move away even when Kanda let him go.

“Um, I've never done something like that before but I don't dislike it.” And his cheeks coloured more, spreading to his ears. “I want to be close to you, Kanda.”

A few stunned moments passed Kanda by as he stared into those grey pools that revealed everything.

“You’re freaking weird, _moyashi._ ” He uttered the words as fact. Because who else could embody as much oddity as Allen Walker?

“It’s Allen.” Allen murmured the words with a content smile. His cheeks stained in red as he basked in their closeness. That he could be Allen, and not someone else, around someone for once in however long. How did he expect Kanda not to know these things when he had watched him for so long?

“I know.”

And Allen’s smile never faltered when he too uttered, “I know.”

 


End file.
